Chapter Eight

CHAPTER EIGHT

What Do We Do Now?

I woke the next morning to find Jacob standing at the foot of my bed. I crouched on the balls of my feet and sprung at him, kissing every part of him that I could. It was when I kissed his lips that I realised that he wasn’t returning my kisses, I stopped cold and looked into his haunted eyes, a feeling of horror ran through me and I couldn’t even form the question that burned within my mind. I touched his face and was relieved to see him shake his head, he dropped his eyes and said in a low murmur “He is okay for now, he wants to see you. I don’t know how much longer....” he didn’t finish his words but I knew what he was saying. I sprung away from him and raced into the bathroom to get ready, today I praised the ability of speed and the fact that it took me less than ten minutes to be ready to leave.

                We walked through the house, down the stairs and into the kitchen, I grabbed an apple off the counter before we exited the backdoor, I walked toward the parked car but Jacob’s tug on my hand stopped me. He sighed and said “We’ll use the car another time; we need to get back to Dad as soon as possible.” I felt sadness and despair pressing down on me, I had never lost anyone and I wasn’t ready to do it now. We hurried into the forest that cupped the edge of Charlie’s land and once we were certain that no-one would see, and Jake had phased, we cut loose and raced towards Quileute land. We crossed the invisible treaty line and continued our race towards Billy’s house which sat on the far side of La Push. It wasn’t til we neared Billy’s place that Jake stopped, he darted into some nearby trees and emerged, in human form, seconds later. I waited poised to resume our running until Jake said “Ness I need to prepare you, Dad is really sick. I have never seen anyone look so old. I know in my heart that this will be the last time that I see him but I can’t accept it” He tugged me into his arms and continued “He loves you and you have a special way of making people see what’s right in front of them without being pushy. I want you to ‘show’ him that he’d be better off in a hospital, where he can at least get the proper care. We have all tried and failed but I know you can do it.” I felt the immense pressure of what he was asking me but I knew that I would do as he asked, for Billy but mainly for Jake’s piece of mind. I nodded my head and said “I will do anything to help you know that.” He nodded and gripping my hand we covered the last few yards to Billy’s front door at human speed. I was trying to prepare myself but nothing I could have thought of would have prepared me for the shrunken skeleton of a once great man, a shrivelled frame that housed the heart of Billy Black.

                When we entered his bedroom everyone that had been inside piled out if it had’ve been under any other circumstance I would have joked that we smelt bad but I couldn’t even bring myself to smile at the people filing out, my eyes were locked on the frail face of a man who I thought of as a father figure. Tears pricked my eyes but I swallowed them away. I crossed the room and gracefully sunk into a crouch beside Billy’s bed. I took his hand and let him see himself through my eyes, it was then that I saw the stubborn gleam spark to life within his dark gaze, so I moved onto my next thought ‘Please go to a hospital’ He raised one eyebrow as if to say ‘why?’ I understood where he was coming from but I had promised Jake and I wasn’t going to let him down. I thought of everyone of the faces that had passed me in the doorway, lingering on the sad faces of his children, grandchildren and his friends, he shook his head and I knew that this wasn’t going to change his mind. I looked over at Jake and a feeling of love welled within me and the thought of our children swam within my head and the sad fact that they weren’t going to meet Billy, I had forgotten that I was holding Billy’s hand until a gasp drew my gaze to his, he motioned for me to lean closer so that his weak lungs didn’t have to work hard at getting the words out “Are you pregnant?” I blushed and said “No. I’m not pregnant, what gave you that idea?” I knew that Jacob had heard us because I heard his quickly indrawn breath but I ignored it and concentrated solely on Billy and his reply “You gave me that idea, Nessie. I saw what was within your head just now and I am excited to see it happen, except the ‘me not being here’ part.” Moving back from me slightly so he could see Jacob he said “I think it’s time that I went to the hospital.” Jake stared open-mouthed at me before he realised what he was doing and hurrying to the bedside he said “I’ve got the car waiting and Rachel, Rebecca and Charlie are all waiting to come with us, Ness can I get you to wait here for me?” I nodded without looking at Jacob, and because I was too busy staring at Billy I didn’t see the weird look that Jake shot me. He walked back to the door and called out for someone to open the car so that he could get Billy in there without moving him too much. I moved out of the way as Jacob came closer to the bed and scooped his father into his arms and without looking at me he strode from the room.

                I waited for the rest of the day for some news from the hospital, the wait seemed interminable and I wasn’t known for my patience. I decided to go for a walk along the beach and have a picnic on the shore. It was several hours later that I actually got any word of what was happening at the hospital. I was sitting on the blanket that I had grabbed from the closet in Jake’s old room watching as the sun set, sending brilliant shafts of red, orange and pink to dance along my skin, and thinking about the excitement I had heard in Billy’s voice when he had asked me if I was pregnant. I was contemplating this when I became aware of Jacob walking through the forest. I didn’t get up to greet him because I knew, as certainly as my heart beat, that he would find me and it wasn’t until he was closer that I smelt something different about him. A salty tang that wasn’t normally present, I shifted on my blanket and when he came close enough he sunk down onto the rug and that was when I looked at him.

                I felt my heart shatter into a thousand pieces as the waves of grief rolled off Jacob and engulfed me; I shook my head and whispered “Jake what happened?” He turned his face towards me and the sight of his tears was like little daggers stabbing me over and over again. I gathered him into my arms and held him tightly as he spoke “We got to the hospital and they admitted him. They ran all these tests but before they could give us any diagnosis he smiled at us, closing his eyes and then the machines started beeping and we were rushed from the room. They said that they had ‘done all they could for him and that if it was any consolation that he had died peacefully’, yeah like that makes it any easier.” I cradled his head against my breast and felt the shivering that was racing through his limbs, it had been a while since Jacob had been unable to control his emotions and this made his phasing unpredictable but I couldn’t let him go. I lost track of the time as we sat huddled together on the blanket but it was dark before Jacob spoke again, I was unprepared for his next words and they slammed into me with the force of a tidal wave. “Ness what was it that Dad saw before he agreed to go to the hospital?” I swallowed and, forcing the words past my suddenly dry throat, said “I don’t think it’s that important Jake.” His head rose up off my chest and he looked pleadingly into my eyes, I was still hesitant. He took my face in his and kissed my mouth saying “Please Ness, I need to know. He seemed so happy and at peace. If you can’t tell me can you please show me?” I blew out a noisy breath and closing my eyes I placed my hand against his stubble roughened cheek and showed him the thought that I had had when touching Billy’s hand.

                I waited for him to start yelling at me for thinking about us when I had been brought there to help convince Billy that he needed the hospital, what I got was far more than that. I suddenly found myself flat on my back with Jacob pressing over me, I felt a flash of panic and then overwhelming desire as he kissed me and for the life of me I couldn’t think of any reason that this shouldn’t happen. I kissed him back, every emotion I could feel was in that kiss; sorrow at the loss of someone so dear, horror at the pain and grief that Jacob must be feeling, anger that Billy waited so long, and desire to make it all fade into the background. I knew that I should be the rational one and pull away because I knew, that when he wasn’t surrounded by grief, Jacob would regret this but I couldn’t force my limbs to untangle themselves from around Jake and a larger part of my hormonal brain knew that I really didn’t want to. I wanted to make him feel better, I rationalized with myself, and if I felt good in the process, well that’s not too bad, is it? As his large hands ran up my ribs, under my shirt, I lost all conscious thought and allowed my body to disconnect from my brain and just feel what was happening.

I wasn’t sure how much time had actually passed since Jacob had come and sat beside me on that blanket but the night had deepened around us and I felt the first drops of rain caress my skin. I welcomed the feeling; it was if the universe was weeping for our loss, it felt right. I must have shifted because Jake moved away from me slightly and re-arranged his body into a sitting position, his shoulders tense and, when I moved to see his face in the sliver of moon light that shone down on us, his jaw was clenched and his eyes were closed as if he was reliving something bad. I reached out my hand to touch him and he jerked away from me as if I had electrocuted him. I heard my gasp of surprise and I felt a sudden feeling of despair. “Jake, what’s wrong?” I heard my voice trembling but I didn’t care, we had just shared something special and now he was treating me like this, “Is everything okay? I didn’t get to tell you how sorry I am about Billy.” Still no answer, I tried again “Jake, please! Why are you just sitting there?” Finally he moved and I opened my arms to welcome him back into them but he stood and jerked his clothing back on. “No, Renesmee, everything is not okay. I have just lost my father and my self-respect all in one day. So I’m thinking that everything is not okay.” I reared back as if slapped and trained my eyes on his pacing figure. I couldn’t understand why he was reacting this way and then it hit me, it was me, I had done something wrong and he hadn’t enjoyed it, or maybe he had thought that I hadn’t enjoyed it. I was so confused that I blurted out “Was it bad? Was I bad?” I watched as he covered his face with his large hands, hands that had been, moments ago, caressing my skin. I waited for his answer, my heart thudding unevenly inside my chest.

Finally he lowered his hands and stared down at me, I waited. I knew that every emotion I was feeling was written on my face but I couldn’t help that the strongest emotion I felt at that time was confusion, and still I waited. He crouched down in front of me, without touching me, and whispered “Ness that was unbelievable but it shouldn’t have happened. What if something goes wrong? What if I hurt you in some way? I can’t believe I did that, you must think I’ve been waiting to get you here, alone, just to jump your bones.” I shook my head as I tried to comprehend what he was saying and when I sat quietly for longer than he expected he reached a hand out to gently lift my head so he could see my face. I looked into his wounded eyes and shifted my body so I was kneeling, my eyes level with his. “You could never hurt me Jake, never, and I know that you haven’t been planning this otherwise you would’ve taken advantage the other day while in the woods. Please Jake believe me.” He didn’t answer so I used the only method I could think of to get him to listen to me, I reached out my hands and placed one on either side of his face and I showed him my memory of what had just happened, everything. I showed him how loved and safe I had felt and that I had wanted it as much as he had. His eyes, which had drifted shut when I had first touched him, slowly opened. He reached up and pulled my hands away from his face, the memory suddenly interrupted, but I didn’t have time to object because he leant forward and kissed me and when he spoke his voice was husky with emotion “Trust you to think that what happened here was okay.” I felt embarrassed flush my cheeks and I tugged away from him, scrambling to gather my clothes and pull them on. I was panting with exertion, and anger, when I faced him again. I shoved hard against his shoulders, pushing him off the blanket and sprawling him into the sand, I snatched the blanket off the ground and started to walk away.

His gentle voice stopped me “Please Ness don’t leave me.” His words ripped into my heart, I was angry at him for treating me like something fragile and I hadn’t stopped to think about what else Jacob was going through at that moment in time. I turned to face him and the anguish I saw in his brown eyes made my anger fade, I walked cautiously back to stand in front of him, when I stopped he looked into my face and I said “Don’t apologise for what just happened, I understand the pain you’re in but don’t add this to it. I wish it hadn’t happened out of grief for your father but I’m not sorry that it happened. I love you Jake, with all my heart and nothing you can do will change that.” I leant down and kissed him lightly on the cheek. “I promise that I won’t expect a replay anytime soon and I will behave myself. Let’s go back to the house, unless you don’t want to. I can understand that.” I watched in awe as he got swiftly to his feet, any time Jacob move I was amazed at the litheness of his body and the fluidness of his movements, when he reached for my hand I didn’t hesitate. I placed my much smaller hand inside his and we walked –at human pace- through the forest and back to Billy’s house. As we neared the small home that Jacob and Billy had shared Jake murmured in a low voice “I still can’t believe that he’s gone. I think he’s going to wheel himself to the door and chew me out for being away for so long. I feel so guilty about not coming back sooner but I just couldn’t make myself leave you, and now...” I felt the sob shake his body, I stopped walking and pulled him into my embrace, I held him until he stopped crying. After several minutes he stiffened and turned towards the road, I lifted my head and sniffed, but before I could figure out what it was that I smelt, Jacob had put me from him and said “Go inside the house and send Sam and whoever else from the pack that is in there out here. Don’t ask questions now Ness, just do it.” I raced for the door, already calling for Sam, he met me as I bounded up the stairs I looked at him and said “Jacob needs you!” he shot a look towards the tree line and sniffed the air. A low growl shot through his teeth and he said “Embry, Jarrod, Paul, Seth, Collin, Brady, Quill, let’s go.” Without asking why they all filed out of Billy’s extremely crowded home. I stood staring at them as they raced towards the forest. It was as I was doing this that I caught the scent that had made Jacob so tense, I don’t think it registered to me before that, because I spent so much time around vampires that I was used to the smell, but this wasn’t a scent I was familiar with. It triggered a distant memory but I couldn’t place it.

I wandered into the house and hugged Charlie and spoke quietly with Jacob’s sisters. Emily had taken charge of everything and was preparing something for everyone to eat she bustled around the kitchen like a busy little bee but she still had time for the endless questions her children had for her. I sat watching her, thinking that this could be me in a few years. It struck me then why Jake had been so reticent down at the beach, what if we had created a life? Was I ready to deal with that? I sucked in an uneven breath; I was suddenly claustrophobic and needed some air. I walked away from the crowded house and went to sit on the bumper of one of the numerous cars parked out front. I sat this way for what seemed like hours before a sound in the forest drew my gaze. The pack emerged from the forest together and unharmed, I released a sigh I hadn’t realised I had been holding and waited for them to get closer. Jacob broke away from the pack and came to sit beside me, the others walked up the front steps and disappeared within the house, I waited until we were alone before I spoke “Is everything okay? Did you find the vampire?” He turned his head to look at me and I knew by the look that was on his face that it hadn’t surprised him that I knew where they had gone. He shook his head saying “Nah it got away but if it comes back we’ll be ready for it.” I hugged him closer, careful not to touch his bare skin. I didn’t want him knowing that I had, finally, realised how big a change we may have made in our relationship.

The next few hours flew by, what with having dozens of people coming to offer their condolences and ringing my parents, who had promised that they would be there in the morning to be with us, and dealing with all the rituals that had to be followed, not to mention having to avoid touching anyone’s bare skin for fear of showing them something. By the time the last people had left and Jacob and I were alone, I was exhausted emotionally and physically. I slumped down on the sofa and closed my eyes. Jake came and sat beside me, taking my hand in his. I carefully blanked my mind so it didn’t reveal my thoughts. I waited for him to speak and when he did I was taken by surprise “Nessie I don’t want you to go home. Stay with me.” My thoughts were of sleeping on the couch and it must have slipped through my control because he chuckled dryly “I think we’re past you needing to sleep on the couch. I promise that I won’t touch you but I need you there. I want to hold you while we sleep, please Ness.” I closed my eyes and without thinking of the consequences I said “Let’s go to bed Jake.”